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lmaoalien:

waiter: hi what would you like to drink?
me: coke please
waiter: sorry we only have meth is that fine?

teacrafted:

"You can’t eat all that!"

fuckin watch me.

oknope:

i just want perfect skin and hair and teeth and body proportions and endless supplies of money and beauty and intelligence. is that too much to ask for?

wearingly:

I find it crazy how any of us can die at any moment yet we live our lives always planning for the future

Anonymous: I'm gonna buy you that shirt and when you wear it, I'll come over with your favorite food and we can cuddle and watch movies and you won't have to say a word until you feel better.

Oh my goodness, please

verticulars:

If you can’t deal with my sarcasm. I can’t deal with being your friend.